clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
