i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
