just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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