ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
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