i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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