Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
