this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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