and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
