i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
