i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
