my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
