Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
