I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
