I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
