Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
