he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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