My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
