so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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