the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
my liver is dry heaving
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
