Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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