Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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