so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
