I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
