I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
