Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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