I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Randomize
