My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
