Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
