He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
