i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
