I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
