At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I smell stomach acid.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
