The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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