I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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