I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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