Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
