Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
