Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
