Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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