Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
