My room smells like vodka and shame
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize