go do what you do best...puke behind churches
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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