love makes seman taste better
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
