i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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