Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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