I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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