Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
