I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
