I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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