Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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