Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
