Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
