im drinking this country out of the recession.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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