We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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