Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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