she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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