Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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