His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
