I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
