If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
