i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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