how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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