There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize